I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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