I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
