good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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