I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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