god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
