My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
