Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.