I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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