I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just forgot I was standing up.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
