i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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