I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
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The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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