well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
