the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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