she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
