you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
how drunk are you?
Several
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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