my mouth tastes like poor choices
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
