"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
