First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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