Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Randomize
