I am spending my child support on dildos
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
