Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
