He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
