I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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