I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
