I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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