I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
