Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
