all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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