I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
