dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
