these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
