I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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