I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
