I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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