so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i drank out of a bidet.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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