So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
