I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
