i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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