dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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