Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
