I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
