my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
