Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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