i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
