I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
