I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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