I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
