um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
