God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
