Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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