my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I look better un-naked...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
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Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
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Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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