just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
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are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
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Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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