just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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