I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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