I just saw a hot homeless man
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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