Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
