Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
