sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
When are your genitals available?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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