I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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