I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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