Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
