My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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